I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
