she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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