My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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