The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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