I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize