I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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