I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
