The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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