I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
