hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
