she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
