And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
