You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
