I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
