So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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