Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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