Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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