I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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