my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
