the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
