SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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