I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
