My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's never too late to be topless.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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