I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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