remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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