Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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