i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
