Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
