There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
foreskin is a definite game changer
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize