i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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