I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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