I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
