I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
