I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
