I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
