Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
