i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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