I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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