Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
