At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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