also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
