i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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