Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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