I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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