Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
