The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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