bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
