My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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