I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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