Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
