you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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