Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
