Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
