My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
